Saturday, December 14, 2013

Day 348: Life is Rough

As you'll see in a post that will occur two days previous to this one (there will be an explanation as to why this is all messed up in a later post actually...basically though...finals), I'm home from college now. At least I'm home for the next month or so, and then I return for my second semester, a second semester that I'm sure will be quite entertaining.

Either way, I'm currently working on multiple projects all at once this morning. I'm thinking about the Once Upon a Time Winter Finale (skip ahead two days for that post...once I finish it!), but I'm working on editing my High School Band Trip video from this past summer, and working on updating this blog and planning out the last few days of the year and trying to spend time with friends and family (and my kitty of course) and multiple other things. Mainly though, right now, I'm working on my Band Trip Video.

I'll be honest. Editing this video is really hard for me right now. I mean, as I write this I'm, once again, listening to a ton of music on Youtube and through a website that has previews of tons of music perfect for videos, but the second I get to the actual editing it just gets kind of weird for me. Here's the long story short: As a senior, you know that I was both President and Drum Major of the high school band, and you also know that it's a position I loved and adored. Not because of the power, but because I felt like I belonged. I was making a difference, and making people happy. That's what I wanted. Not anything for myself, but I enjoyed it, and that was what made all of it worth it. It's what made me realize I wanted to be a music major, a new adventure that I am enjoying in college. But this past summer something snapped in some of the people around me. It was like someone flipped a switch, and suddenly they wanted me gone. It's still going on, and while I am so very proud of them, and their number one fan, it's like they never want to see me again. That's why it's so difficult for me to edit this video. It's because this video is from when we were still all a family.

But with all of this came a realization the other day. I used to be happy, and I wanted nothing MORE than to get the band to Walt Disney World. I marched with shin splints in our audition video, because there's honestly nothing I've wanted more in my life. Not for me, but for them. I want everyone to have an experience to go to Walt Disney World, and while I'll finally be fulfilling my dream of marching down Main Street, I'm even happier that they can fulfill it too, even if it's something they never imagined in their wildest dreams. It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I hope they all enjoy it.

The closer we get to that performance though, the more things get crazy. I stepped down from my positions as President and Drum Major months ago, only returning to see them perform (or as I did this last Friday, have a great opportunity to perform with them once again for a few minutes) or help with the planning of the Disney trip. I'm helping because I know what I'm talking about and can provide some real insight into the trip. It isn't my trip, but I'm offering my help anyways. I would do that even if I couldn't go ON the trip. It is what I want to do for the rest of my life, after all. Even so, I'm often getting backlash from people who don't want me there at all. Those who think I should get lost. And that hurts. I'm trying to help and they're just 100% refusing it.

So this week I was thinking about all of this, because some other circumstances brought it really to the forefront of my mind. And finally I realized what is probably the REAL reason Once Upon a Time has become so important to me over the past few months. Before I thought it was just because I was in Disney Depression, but it turns out that this is a whole new kind of Disney Depression. You see, when I watch Once Upon a Time with my friends, it makes me happy. It's like when in The New Neverland Charming was talking about the good and the bad moments. Well right now Once makes up most of my good moments. It's a way I've made countless new friends at college, and therefore I want to hold onto those moments when the life I knew a year ago is turning quickly from good moments to bad ones.

Because now, as I think about Walt Disney World and the band trip, I can only think about how everything I do to help is just going to be considered by people I used to call my family as stupid and unhelpful. I know it means a lot to some people that I'm still there, but it takes a lot for me to wear a smile around others sometimes. It hurts, first off, that they're treating me like dirt, but even more so that because of the band trip, they're ruining the one thing that means the most to me. Disney.

Now, Disney will always be an important part of my life. No matter what. But right now everytime I think about Disney World I can't help but think to everything they'll say. Everything I say and do these days is based on what their reaction will be and whether it will help or make things worse. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore, and this entire circumstance is going to test me more than anything else in my entire life. I know that the friends I have left, and the new ones I've made at college, and Once and, most importantly, Disney, will get me through this. But that doesn't mean it's going to get any easier either.

I guess I'll just have to live by a few of my favorite quotes:

"All your dreams can come true, if you have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

"There has to be a darkness for the dawn to come." -Harrison Ford

"Life is made up of moments. Good ones. Bad ones. But they're all worth living." -Prince Charming (Once Upon a Time)

Here's today's Disney History: 1966: Lilly Disney visits her husband Walt at St. Joseph's Hospital (Across from his studio in Burbank, California). Although Walt is very ill, she is encouraged by the strength he shows. His brother Roy pays him a visit at night and they talk about company matters, EPCOT, and Disney World. Walt looks at the ceiling and points out the design of the new Florida park to a teary-eyed Roy. After he leaves, Walt asks to have his bed raised so he can look toward the nearby Disney Studios. At Roy's order, every one of the studio's light is left on to shine through the night.

Have a magical day!

(Note: This blog post was written on December 16 because of finals.)